I thought I would pause my information sharing each week to share with you a hidden blessing of food allergies. Even though these will be positive stories, I haven’t shared them a lot. They hit the tenderest part of me as a mom, they are wrapped up in my own anxiety and sense of responsibility, they touch the most vulnerable part of my heart. Up to this point, I have simply, as Jesus’s mother Mary did, “treasured them up in my heart”.
If you will indulge me, instead of sharing big, vague lessons I’ve learned, I thought I might share specific and tender moments. Large feats of kindness in the small moments of our lives. Many of you reading this will be in the stories and if this one doesn’t mention you, don’t worry, I remember, and I will share those stories too. I have a very very long list that continues to grow. But for today, we will begin with school.
Eli and school was a mess. Kindergarteners are unwieldy and they love all things milk related. We initially enrolled him in public school and went through the 504 (legal process of accommodating disabilities) at the school. I won’t get into how that went, but it was disheartening and left me feeling like I was always asking too much while at the same time knowing my son wasn’t safe with how things were going. Eli was a COVID kindergartener, so three quarters of the way through that year, he was home. He was homeschooled for several years after that. When we were ready to put him back into school, I was dreading meeting with the staff. My heart still hurt from how we were treated in the 504 process and I couldn’t figure out if they were right or not- was I asking too much? Was I being unreasonable? Was I a bad person for the ways I advocated for my son?
We enrolled both of my sons in a private school (Faith Bible!) and I scheduled our first meeting. Private schools do not have the same legal processes for things like food allergies, so I was very nervous. I sat across from three other adults- the principal, his teacher, and an aide who would work in his classroom. I felt defensive based on my other experiences, not sure what to expect. I am sure I looked fairly unhappy and afraid. I was surprised when they simply asked me to tell them about my son (the complete opposite from my previous experience), they asked what would help us to feel he would be safe in the classroom, and no one batted an eye at what I asked for. Now, no place is perfect and there have been hiccups- but that isn’t what we look for in a school. Instead, we look for people with a genuine curiosity about how to keep him safe, who believe us when we tell them what we need, and who love him and have the capacity to do the things that are needed to keep him safe. Faith Bible had all of those elements. (In our public school experience, when I followed up on some things in his plan, the district nurse in charge of his care plan told me “I don’t have time for this, I have other kids I am in charge of”, which was pretty much the end of me trusting them- because I both believed her and I knew it wasn’t enough to keep him safe. It was both true that she didn’t have capacity and true that Eli needed more to be safe- two things can be true).
At the end of the meeting at Faith Bible, Eli’s teacher said something that was so unexpected that it made me cry, he said, “I just wanted to say thank you. It is so good to see and hear from a mom who is advocating and keeping her son safe.” I was so afraid of feeling like I was asking too much, like I was being difficult (all things that happened in our other school experience), I just broke down. His teacher had unintentionally hit on a very bruised part of my heart. I am still friends with this teacher to this day, he is every bit as loving and genuine as he was at that first meeting. He never thought I was too much or overreacting. He loved my son enough to say, “I don’t actually know what you’re going through, tell me so I can understand.” In that moment, in that meeting at Faith Bible, I was met with love and understanding. I was treated like a loving mother rather than an overprotective and unreasonable parent. It made all of the difference.
One of the hardest parts of being a mom to a kid with food allergies (or any disability really), is that you can both understand that a school or a person doesn’t have the capacity to do all you need them to do, and you still have to hold them to that standard for the sake of your child. I have often had to choose between hurting someone’s feelings and the safety of my son. Between letting people judge me for standing up for my son and letting him feel unsafe. I have always chosen Eli, but it doesn’t mean my heart didn’t ache each time. I am sure there are people in the world who have no problem with conflict and can walk away feeling good about their relationships in spite of it. I am not one of those people. I still have pretty mixed up feelings about our experiences with advocating for Eli and public school.
Eli has successfully made it through three years at Faith Bible, where every teacher and staff member loves and knows him. I am incredibly thankful, and Eli often tells me “I feel safest when I am with my class”. Which is a testament to the character of the kids in his class and the overall community of the school. I cannot think of a better outcome.
To Mr. Williams, who thanked me for advocating for my son, I will never quite be able to put into words what that meant to me. Your words touched the tenderest part of my heart that longs to both be loved and accepted AND for my son to be safe. You are one in a million.
